My Diary

 

 

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Here I will here log the daily soap opera of my life. It is here where you will see who I actually am, and how guys make a total fool of me. Or rather, I make a total fool of myself, over guys. If you are so inclined read on. I am sure you will get a good laugh out of it all, especially if you are male.

To bring you up to speed on the current objects of my affection/obsession.

Brad – I actually met Brad this time last year when I was with Chris. He came along with a friend of mine to a family camp out. He had just gotten out of the Marine Corps, and he was wearing his cammies. OOOoooh he looked sooo good, but I did not drool too much, because I was with Chris. I noticed him looking at me a few times, but I shrugged it off. He seemed completely out of my league. Shortly after this campout, Chris and I broke up. The mutual friend whom I met Brad through told me that he liked me. Brad actually called me a few times, but I blew him off. I cant believe how retarded I was, but I did it because I was so completely broken up about the whole Chris thing, and I could not fathom how or why Brad was interested in me. If I only knew then, of how I feel now.

In May, almost a year later, Brad literally walked right back into my life. I was at our mutual friend’s house just hanging out, and Brad walks right in the door. I literally almost fainted. That night, we all partied. I got rather drunk, and found myself completely falling for him. The physical attraction between us is just completely mind-blowing; well it seems so on my part anyways. God he is so gorgeous, I could just go on and on about him for hours, but I would not want to bore you.

Anyways, he said he would call. He didn’t. In fact, he never calls. Shamefully, I call him, and when I do it is always "I miss you so much" and "I have to see you again", but he just can’t seem to ever pick up the phone and call when he says he is going to. It hurts, he tells me "I will call you Thursday", and he does not. He usually returns my phone calls, but has never really called me on his own accord, except for those times last year.

Brad actually came to my house to see me last month. I was shocked, really, that he made an effort to come some 20 miles to see me. I cannot tell if I am in love or extreme lust with him, but I would say that 95% of the time he was here, we were engaged in some kind of sexual activity. It was then, that I told him how I feel about him, how I cannot stop thinking about him, how whenever I am with another guy, I think about him etc. I am sure that I gave him a big head, but he said that he had feelings for me too, but did not go into detail. Brad came clean, and said that he has been distant because of my plans to go into the Army. He does not want to get into a relationship with me, and then have to see me go next year. Otherwise "he would ask me to be his girl."

I have not seen him since that night. We had sex that night. I gave in. I want him so badly. As far as I am concerned, Brad can have anything he wants from me. That is how much I want him. Whatever he wants is fine. Somedays I am just so completely happy to know him, to have been able to touch him, and other days I am miserable because I cant have him. But anyways .. the story goes on.

Jeremy – I met Jeremy a few weeks after I met Brad. He showed up at my house while I was having a live action vampire game. During the game, he and I were interacting quite a bit. After the game, we started to talk. I had a feeling that he might be in the military, because of the way he talked and of course his haircut. I mentioned that I was planning to go into the Army, he told me that he was in the Marine Corps (If you have not figured out yet, I have a thing for military men, I will explain later). I got all excited, and started to ask him all kinds of questions. "What clubs do the Marines go to? Where can I meet some Marines.." etc etc. He told me that a lot of them go to country western bars. I jokingly said "I have never been to one of those .. I don’t have anything to wear." And then he said "I would be happy to take you to one." So he basically asked me out. I got all excited like a schoolgirl and ran upstairs to get a pen and paper to jot down my number. Shortly after that, he had to leave, and I noticed him staring at me quite intently. It made me feel all warm and gushy inside.

He emailed me the next day, saying how much fun he had at the game and talking to me. I emailed him back. Later in the week we talked on the phone. He told me how beautiful he thought I was, how he had been to a game here before and how he had pined for me then. It seemed that we had so much in common. Then he dropped the bomb on me, and told me that he would be leaving for Japan at the end of the month. I literally started to cry (but he does not know), because I knew I was doomed.

I went to see him down at the base, because he did not have his truck. We did not do a lot, but just hung out. I teased him physically, pretty bad (snicker). I had fun for the most part, with the exception of his talking about his "ex-fiancé" more than I would have liked. I felt as if we were really starting to connect. I could really see myself falling in love with Jeremy, if he would give me half a chance.

Jeremy disappeared for two weeks, because he went out into the field. He called me when he came back, and we talked on the phone for hours about everything, and I mean everything. I got a bit drunk too, and I think I might have said the "L" word to him, but I am not all that sure. I went back down to see him the next day, and he was completely dejected and withdrawn from me. He got his bj, and then I watched him iron his uniform for an hour. Then he told me to leave. I cried all the way home. I wondered if it was something that I had said, or if he was just pushing me away so that he did not have to miss me when he away.

I broke down and called him a week later. I asked if I had said something wrong and what the deal was. He said, "I just get like that sometimes." He was still totally dejected though on the phone. Not the same Jeremy that I met, not at all. He had to go, he said he would call right back, but never did.

 

August 22-00 Ok ok, so I did not keep my promise about never calling Brad or Jeremy again. Did you really think I could keep it anyhow? Anyways, it has been quite an interesting week. I met lots of new assholes! Yay! But anyways … I will start from the beginning.

Last Monday I went to see some friends. This guy Daniel, who has not seen me in a while was there … and well take make a long story short we got rather friendly. It was nice, but I don’t think anything will ever come of it. I mean I am extremely attracted to Daniel, but to me he seems like a kid. I dunno, I should have not gotten all kissy-kissy with him if I do not intend for things to go further…..I have not heard from him since then though. Maybe he understands me better than I thought.

So Wednesday, on the way home from a quick trip to Mexico, I stopped to see Jeremy at the base to say goodbye. Yeah, he was still kinda being a dick to me. Jeremy seemed to be more interested in his screen saver than me … and he did not even introduce me to his friends that came over. This is the clincher though, after I left, he gave my email to one of his friends that was checking me out! What kind of bullshit is that? I would have thought you know that he might get a little pissed when his friend came onto me. Oh yeah, when his friend asked him "Who is this J, your girlfriend?" his response was "No just a friend." Fucking asshole.

Jeremy’s friend Adam emails me with the "hey baby" stuff. I … well shamefully I was(and still am) flattered by his sexual advances, and I actually got kinda excited about the possibility of him as a future boyfriend. Then after a couple days of talking to him, flirting, exchanging pics he tells me that he has a girlfriend and a newborn. BAH!!!!!!!!!!

I went clubbing quite a bit this weekend, and to be honest it was less than satisfying. I don’t know how these guys can live with themselves saying the shit that they do. One guy I met, asked me to go home with him like 5 mins into the conversation. He was surprised that I said no, then his friend who was even more repulsive tried to get me to go home with him. He actually started asking me the most obscene questions like "are you shaved?" "if I go down on you will you come back for more?" "how many guys have you been with?". It is times like these I wish I had a decent boyfriend that would beat the shit out of these guys for polluting my space.

I talked to Brad on the phone last Thursday. We actually talked for like half-an hour, longer than we have ever talked on the phone I think. Yes, I did call him. I should be bitch-slapped, but then I do that to myself plenty well. We talked about like serious stuff, philosophy, religion, politics. It was, rather odd considering we are usually talking about sex. I don’t know if this is a good or bad thing. Brad mentioned that he was in the process of getting a better job and seemed excited about that. Of course, when I mentioned getting together, he put me off again. *sighs*

So anyways, I had an interesting week. So now, I lost one asshole (Jeremy) and gained a new one(Adam). I know .. I am idiotic when it comes to men and dating. Perhpaps it is my raging hormones. I hope that my hero will come steal me away soon and save me from the hell that is dating.

August 13-00 I have been really sick for the last week with a kidney infection. I don’t know how I got it, but I have it and it wont fucking go away. I might have to go to the hospital. It is in this time, that I have come to realize that neither Brad nor Jeremy really gives a shit about me. Brad just wants sex out of me (which I am ashamed to say, he can have, because I can’t say no to him), and Jeremy … well Jeremy is just a fucking redneck dick.

I have resolved never to call these two again. For real this time. I cannot continue to humiliate myself this way, especially when I know that I can do better and that I deserve better. So when I get well, I am going to go down to San Diego and find some new Marines that will break my heart. LOL.

August 6-00 I broke down and called Jeremy today. He said he did not call back the other night because he fell asleep. He also said that his phone had been disconnected. Jeremy was still, totally distant on the phone. He did not seem really interested in talking. I finally just came out and asked him, why he had been acting like this. What I suspected was true. All this "I have been busy" crap is a front for him pushing me away. See Jeremy does not want to "get involved" because he is shipping out. Needless to say, I got pretty upset. I asked, "Why, why did you ask me out in the first place? Why did you say all those things?" Of course, he didn’t know. I told him that he hurt me, and I think he felt pretty bad about it. I hope he did anyways. Jeremy has done I nice head-trip on me. He promised though, that he would see me before he leaves.

Oh by the way, Brad never called last week, like he said he would.

August 8-00 Saw Brad online last night. I messaged him, and of course our conversation quickly digressed to one of a sexual nature. He told me to call him, and I did. He then asked me if I could come over. Mind you it was 11:00 PM at night, and I told him that I could not. I would have gone to see him in a second if it was a bit earlier. Anways, we ended up having some really hot phone sex. Afterwards, I asked him if he ever thinks about me. He said that he does, but it once again digressed to a sexual thing. "I think about you naked in front of me." I told him about a dream that I had, in which he very forcefully informed me that ‘I was his girl from now on’. I was like "but I know that would never happen." To which he responded, "You never know."

August 1-00 So Jeremy left for Japan, last week, and never even called to say goodbye. I can’t believe him. Why did he fucking ask me out in the first place? WHY? I wrote him a short email in which I told him that I was angry at him for not saying goodbye. About five minutes after I send the e-mail, the phone rings and it was him. He read the email seconds after I sent it, and called to tell me that he had not left yet. Apparently they lost his orders and he is still here for another month. I was totally embarrassed, as well as pissed. Jeremy made a fool out of me. I asked him "why didn’t you tell me?" And he gave me the usual "I have been busy." Then he said he had to go, and that he would call right back. He didn’t call back. Now I am wondering why he fucking bothered to call and tell me that he was still here? Was it to make me feel utterly stupid? God I want to smash in his big ugly jarhead.

Called Brad today, shamefully. He was not home, but I left a message. He called me back an hour later. Yay! We chit chatted for a bit, and he told me that he would call me on his day off this week. I am crossing my fingers, but I highly doubt that it will happen.

July 30-00 Yesterday, I stopped by Brad’s work to give him a birthday card. God he looked Ssooooooo good. Everytime I see him I feel faint. He hugged me, and he seemed really happy to see me. I think the card kind of surprised him too. I ended up asking him if he wanted to hang out later, but he told me that he already "had plans", but he would call if anything changed. I was pretty crushed. Oh well, at least I got to see him for like five minutes. Damn he looked hot though.

July 26-00  Frank came over last night. Originally he was going to come over in the early evening and take me out one more time, but he did not show up till 10:00pm. Typical. Anyways, we hung out here at my house, drank a little bit and talked. It was then that I found out that he has a kid whom he never sees merely because he does not want to deal with his ex-girlfriend. He had told me that I reminded him of his ex. Out of curiosity, I asked him why they broke up. Apparently, he just got "tired" of her and left her. He still regrets it. Dumb ass.

We went out for a late night snack. Frank started pressuring me for sex. I told him, that I generally don’t like to have sex with those whom I am not committed to, but alas I gave in (mostly because I am a horny bunny). Well, the condom broke, and he freaked out. He then proceeded to give me a lecture about STD’s and pregnancy and all that. He grilled me about all my previous sex partners etc, after HE pressured ME for sex. That was that. I told him that I thought it was pretty fucked up for him to have begged me for sex, and then make me feel like shit afterwards. He said he was sorry. He then left. He leaves for Florida tomorrow. I don’t expect that I will ever hear from him again.

July23-00  I went to a club last night, and I met this guy Frank. I don’t know what it is with me and military men lately, but they seem to be coming out of the woodworks. He told me that he was an officer in the Navy, and we had quite an intense conversation. I found him to be very attractive, and very intense. We ended up going out to dinner (he took me out! Amazing!) then had a sexual interlude in the back of his car later that night. I really like him, but not as much as I like Brad or Jeremy. It is sad that he has to leave in a week to go back to training in FL.

 

 

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