My Diary

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I suppose I have a lot of catching up to do. My social/love life is still as complicated and fucked up as ever.

I actually did meet a decent guy back in November. It’s about bloody time, I had to go through countless numbers of pigs to find him. We had a brief relationship for about two and a half months, and now he is gone. He is overseas on a ship somewhere. I actually fell in love with him, in much a different way than I have any other guy before. Stan was not perfect, but he was pretty damn near close to it. And now he is gone. I don’t think I will ever be able to see him again, considering that I will be off in the military very soon. We write eachother the most sickening love letters. I am left with the dilemma now of trying to figure out exactly where we stand. He never did specify if he considered me to be his girlfriend or not. I guess deep down inside I am angry at him. I am angry with him because he did not tell me that he loved me until he was 5,000 miles away from me. I don’t know what to do.

I still date. I still go out with guys. I still mess around. But the though of Stan is always in the back of my mind. I mean, the feminist part of me tells me: "fuck him, until a guy puts a ring on your finger, do what you want!" Yet the other part of me wonders, "Am I cheating on him?" Then there is "How could I be cheating on him, if I don’t even know if I am ever going to see him again?." Maybe I really don’t deserve a decent guy.

And sometimes I wonder about myself. What is it with my obsession with Marines? 98% of them are not even worth the dirt they fight in (for social purposes anyways). What is wrong with me? I just seem to go into heat when I see them. Like a moth to a flame. Then I get fucked over. Oh well. What they lack in brains they make up for in brawn I suppose. I just wish there were more decent ones.

Brad has weaseled his way into my life again (no big surprise huh?). Of course now that Stan is gone, he comes knocking on my door. My feelings for him have changed a bit since last summer. Yes I am still in severe lust with this man, but I realize that there is no hope of ever acquiring anything more than good sex him. I’ve accepted this. I actually saw him last Sunday, and yes, we had great hot yummy sex. And yes I felt guilty afterwards. But he is the one calling me now. HAHA!

So yeah, I am still playing the field I suppose. I think about Stan a lot. Sometimes I think he is the kind of guy I need. But I have realized that now, I am actually terrified of the idea of a serious relationship. This seems odd, because I never felt like this before. I suppose things have been screwed up for me so many times I have just convinced myself that it will inevitably happen again. Or perhaps I am another victim of a "child with divorced" parents. Who knows. I am 24, no children, never been engaged, never been married and it’s not looking like any of this will happen any time soon.

My Diary – as of 1-2001

Well is has been a while since I have written huh? Yeah well … I still hate men. I am still being screwed over, played with and humiliated. It’s just in all kinds of new ways, with new guys. Same old story.

Jeremy moved away again, and gave my number to some more Marines.

Brad moved to Colorado, it broke my heart. Then he called me a few months after he moved (after I had aquired a "new" boyfriend) and told me that he was coming back and he had "plans for us". I was elated, and confused. I was almost ready to leave my boyfriend for him but I didn’t. Needless to say, now that my boyfriend is now an ex-boyfriend, Brad has made no attempt to finish his "plans for us". Typical. Nothing has changed.

I have met countless guys in the time since August. All of which were bastards. I met a Drill Instructor who was just completely gorgeous. That did not last long. He never called back after he got some on the first date (yeah I was weak with this one, I just could not resist). I have met all kinds of guys at clubs. The majority of them giving me the usual BS about how beautiful I am and how they are gonna take me here and there. None of them ever call. I don’t know why I bother giving out my number.

Guys online. I talk to a lot of them. Some of them seem nice at first. I show a little sometimes for fun, and then they turn into assholes. It quickly degenerates into "lemme see some pics of your tits" constantly. Then these guys who hit on me tell their girlfriends, and I get their girlfriends Iming me "why r u hitting on my b/f?." Fucking retards.

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